Miscelaneous Jokes

A RELIGOUS VIEW OF LIFE



Two men are in the bar and they see a dog at the end of the bar licking its
balls. One man says to the other "Gee I wish I could do that". Where the
other man replied "Well, If you give him a biscuit he might let you".

HOW TO GET BETTER SERVICE ON YOUR MACHINE

  1. Do not call for service until everyone concerned has had time to form an opinion as to what is wrong; allow each person the chance to correct the problem. Whenever possible, all controls and adjusting screws should be turned.
  2. After several days, when the machine malfunction has become a major emergency, place an urgent call for service. Fridays are best, but anytime after 4PM is OK.
  3. Alert all personnel so that each can give their version of what is wrong. Suggestions of how to fix the machine will be welcomed bye the serviceman.
  4. Hide the service history log that is found inside the machine. Make several references to the man who was here for the same problem last week.
  5. Have at least eight graduate engineers present to ask highly technical questions which are in no way related to the immediate problem.
  6. The minute the serviceman arrives, ask what caused the delay. Make it clear that he was to arrive two days ago. Before he can answer, ask him when the machine will be back in service.
  7. The machine should be as dirty and greasy as possible. A mixture of oil and pencil sharpener shavings work well. If the machine has electrical components, add staples and paper clips.
  8. Assign someone to supervise the repair. A person who has never seen the machine before is preferred. Bad breath is a big plus.
  9. Ask again when the machine will be ready for use.
  10. Be sure that the lights are off in the room where the machine is to be repaired. A good serviceman can fix them blindfolded.
  11. Ask if the machine is ready yet. If the serviceman is looking at a schematic diagram, ask if he knows what he is doing.
  12. When the repair is completed, tell him what a swell job he did. Tell him that the job should be swell, it took long enough.
  13. Try to talk the serviceman down on the bill. Those big companies make too much money anyway.
  14. After the serviceman has gone, call his supervisor and tell him the machine is now worse than it was before. Follow up with a letter and send a copy to the company's home office.
  15. Follow the above rules on every service call, no matter how small the problem

JOKES GUARANTEED TO OFFEND ALMOST ANYONE

How do you say "FUCK YOU" in jewish?
...Trust me.

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
...A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.

What do get if you cross a black with a monkey?
Nothing. Monkeys are too intelligent to fuck a black.

Why do black people smell so bad?
...So blind people can hate them too.

The Beer Ordering List.

American: A beer please.
English: A pint of your finest ale, ol' chap.
Aussie: Gimme a beer, mate!
Canadian: I'll 'ave a beer eh?
Dutch: What's your cheepest beer?
German: One beer <klack>.
Japanese: I would like one of these <shows photograph>.
French: <pinches waitress in ass>I will say this only once, so listen carefully, I would like a beer.
Russian: Give me some of that stinking western Bush beer.
The Medieval Knight: Wouldst thou permittest me to quaf one of these brilliant, amber coloured beverages, my most esteemed patron of this fine establishment?

Types of computer person you may meet:

  1. The Software scientist.
    This is a man who takes a mathematical algorithm, performs a series of transformations on it and ends up with a program in lambda-calculus. This program is _correct_, meaning it will do what it is supposed to. Now all he needs is a lambda-calculus interpreter, a stable operating system, a computer with a proven architecture and an uninterruptable power supply.
  2. The Software engineer.
    This is a man who thinks that if he divides the task up into small enough pieces, it will disappear and he can go back to reading news.
  3. The Programmer.
    The programmer will listen to your requirements, sit down and actually write you a program. Unfortunately, it doesn't do what you want it to, but what the programmer thinks you _ought_ to want it to do.
  4. The Hacker.
    The hacker will listen while you tell him what you want, say "that's easy", and type an amazingly long command line with about 30 pipes. As the line executes, you can hear the disk thrashing away with the effort of opening and closing all the temporary files.
  5. The Hardware Buff.
    This is the guy who tries to implement an awk interpreter in discrete logic...
  6. The System Administrator.
    While idly looking round to see what's going on, discovers a process with a suspicious-sounding name, kills it and asks you via mail what it was. This happened to me: the process was my login shell, bash!

Being under pressure from civil rights groups, nasa finally decided to let a polack fly into space in the shuttle. His only crewmate was a chimpanzee who was trained to do special tasks during the mission. As the shuttle went into orbit a red light came on, and the chimp turned on the on-board tape recorder.The tape told the chimpanzee to ignite the orbital engines to reduce velocity to 18000 mph. The chimp did that. Five minutes later, the red light came back on, and the instructions on the tape told the chimp to go into an orbit which would allow the shuttle to rendezvous with a lost Insat sattelite.The chimp did that. Finally, the green light came on, and the polack waited for his first instructions. He turned on the tape. "Feed the monkey" it said.

If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equasions, analyze a new problem pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficently, and die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.

- R.A. Heinlein
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