Sex-related Jokes

Why do women have legs?
So they don't leave snail tracks on linoleum floors.
Why did god create women?
........Sheep can't cook.
Following a long arduous cattle drive, the cowboy headed for the restaurant for dinner. Taking the only seat left, which was next to a lady about 20 years old (who looked very wealthy and educated), he overheard her place her order:
"- I'll have breast of fowl, virgin fowl. Make sure it's virgin. Catch it yourself. Garnish my plate with onion and bring me a cup of coffee, not too hot, not too cold. And waiter, open a window. I smell a horse, there must be a cowboy in the house."
Thoroughly pissed, the cowboy made his order:
"I'll have duck, fucked duck. Make sure it's fucked. Fuck it yourself. Garnish my plate with horseshit. Then bring me a cup of coffee, strong as Texas mule piss, and blow the foam off with a fart. And waiter, knock the whole damn wall down. I smell a cunt, there must be a whore in the house."
A guy leaves his place at the bar to go relieve himself. he comes back about 10 minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering & swearing very softly. the bar keep approaches the customer and askes what the problem is.
- "Oh some son-uv-a-bitch snuck up behind me while i was at the urinal and put a gun to my head".
- "Jesus christ! What happened?"
- "He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!"
- "Yeah, then what?"
- "Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you?"
A sailor in New orleans has only a dollar to have a good time with. He spends half on a pack of cigarettes and a beer and offers the remaining 50 cents to a tough whore. She accepts. She takes him to her untidy place and immediately bends over and throws up her dress, presenting her anus to him.
"Come on, turn around," the sailor says angrily. "I don't want to butt-fuck."
"But you do want to open that bottle, don't you?" says the whore.

A man is having excruciating pains in his groin, accompanied by intense headaches, so he goes to doctor. The physician gives him a thorough going over and announces that he has an excessive pressure in his crotch, and that the headaches will continue until and unless he has his balls removed. Only after the most incredible case of migraine headaches and blue balls does he consent to the operation. He gets castrated.
Because of the operation, he felt very depressed. The pressure was gone, and there was no pain, but still, he sat at the window and stared into empty space. His wife wandered over and told him
"Honey, I know how you must feel. Whenever I feel depressed, I go downtown and buy some new clothes. That always makes me feel much better." He takes her advice. He goes to the most expensive haberdasher in town and orders a fancy suit. The tailor tells the man, "Well, I can tell that you wear a size 15-and-a-half shirt."
The man is amazed. "That's exactly right," he says.
"And a size 10-B shoe."
"Yes!" exclaims the man, "you are right again."
"And you wear a size 10 hat, 34 inch pants length, and a 36 inch waist on your underwear," says the tailor.
"That's perfectly right, except my underwear has a 34 inch waist."
"Oh, no," says the tailor, "I know my business. You wear a 36. If you wore tighter underwear, you'd get pressure built up in your groin, and then you'd get terrible headaches."

How they do it ...

God must love assholes -- He made so many of them.
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
O'Riordan's Theorem: Brains x Beauty = Constant.
Purmal's Corollary:As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, availability goes to zero.
Nothing is better than Sex.
Masturbation is better than nothing.
Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?
A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."
A schoolteacher says: "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right."
An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally."
Overheard in a bar:
Man: "hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now."

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